PROCESSING EMOTIONS
A five step guide to help you safely feel, navigate and process your emotions.
If you are in crisis and need immediate support please reach out to the following:
UK: Samaritans or CRISIS
GLOBAL: Find A Helpline
A five step guide that works for me personally and my clients - how to let yourself feel, regulate and process emotions safely.
I have noticed how quick we all can be to try to avoid actually feeling our feelings. A quick fix or distraction is often easier and more natural than letting the feeling rip,be felt and then processed. We have the capacity to feel a wide range of emotions but often we restrict and repress how we truly feel. We often choose to distract ourselves by scrolling, drinking, smoking, shopping, eating, exercising excessively, fighting, overworking, isolating, avoiding others, self-harming, dissociating etc. However, sure enough, most unprocessed feelings have a way of sticking around until they are expressed in one way shape or form.
When we don’t allow ourselves time to process and feel, we can find ourselves boiling over or spewing out pent up anger, sadness or frustration at inappropriate times and ultimately acting in a way that we might not be too proud of. I know I have had days where I have not let myself process an emotion and have then been short or snappy with someone I love, feeling even worse afterwards. It happens, but its important to process and regulate so we can show up as safe people for others to be around and also take accountability when we slip up and take out our feelings on others. Imagine if everyone did this? We wouldn’t be barged past in the queue somewhere, someone wouldn’t aggressively beep their horn when we’re waiting to make a turn off the road, family members, partners and friends wouldn’t take out their anger on us, our bosses might be softer and kinder to us, friendships could become much more intimate and so on!
Our moods and feelings will always fluctuate with what is going on in our days, lives and the state of the world too. So, when our feelings pop up or make themselves known we can learn to regulate and process them safely and in the moment, allowing us to move on, be present in the moment, feel regulated and show up in the world as our best selves.
IT IS SAFE TO FEEL YOUR FEELINGS
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IT IS SAFE TO FEEL YOUR FEELINGS 〰️
Of course it is much easier said than done especially if you have trauma, mental health struggles, come from a family dynamic where your feelings were not taken seriously, or you just struggle to emote in general, it can be a scary moment to let your feelings finally be felt and seen. The fear of ‘falling apart’ is a very common one, maybe the feeling is sadness but you don’t want to cry out of shame for feeling weak, perhaps you are worried that if you let out your pent up anger no one will like you anymore. All emotions are valid, all emotions can be felt safely - with practice.
The work of Brene Brown in her decades of study in human emotions has been so helpful in my personal journey as well as informing parts of this piece of writing. I couldn’t recommend her book Atlas of the Heart more.
I have learnt a lot in my training, in therapy and in personal study, and now my emotional processing is much quicker and I am a MUCH happier human as a result. These are my tips…
How to process your emotions:
YOU WILL NEED:
Journal & Pen
Phone
Patience with yourself
Follow these steps
STEP 1: LABEL THE FEELING
Using the below feelings wheel can help you to gain clarity on what it is you feel, often we only allow ourselves very few emotive words in relation to our feelings, the inner circle of the above wheel. Then writing your emotion down can help instantly in acknowledging what is coming up for you, affirming yourself and reminding yourself that all feelings are safe to feel as long as we ensure that we do not harm anyone in the process.
Write the feeling down in a journal or on your notes app.
STEP 2: NOTICE -
Where does this feeling show up in your body? Is it tightness in the chest? Heat in your face? Sweat? Do you feel energized or tired? Hot or cold?
Try your best not to judge what is going on, notice and acknowledge it, observe it and take a note. Try your best not to add another emotion to the mix by shaming yourself for the physical or emotional feelings.
Write this down in your journal or your notes app.
STEP: 3 LISTEN -
What could this emotion be telling you? Can you find meaning? Does it connect to something else? Perhaps it is bringing something else up to remind you of another unprocessed emotion or difficult time. Emotions can be messages from the body, the more you listen, the more you will find answers.
What do you need from listening to your body? Do you need rest? Do you need to be heard? Do you need physical touch like a hug? Maybe you need validation in how you feel, or perhaps the message is telling you that something is no longer safe, perhaps you need to remove yourself. Write these down and try to begin to think of an action plan.
Again, do not judge, write it down in your journal or notes app.
STEP 4: COMMUNICATE -
Calling a safe, emotionally intelligent friend or mental health professional, or using a service such as the Samaritans or CRISIS to share can work wonders. By affirming your feeling out loud to and speaking to someone who can guide you or support you through a feeling can help you safely move through and regulate quickly.
“We don’t heal in isolation, but within community”
Try your best to then implement the support you need by asking for your need to be met that you hopefully identified in step 3.
Whenever I experience a panic attack, I call a friend and explain what is happening, I ask them to listen whilst I let myself move through it and feel the feelings and cry my eyes out and then if I need one, I will ask for a hug. In the past I have had panic attacks in public places, on the street, in a shop or in the park and kind strangers have offered support! I remember one time I had a panic attack on the plane and the person sat next to me asked if they could hold my hand, I said yes please and it immediately grounded me and made me feel safe. It was so lovely, thank you to whoever that lovely human was!
Remind yourself that this too shall pass and that no feeling is final.
STEP 5: REGULATE -
Use the below regulation and processing techniques to let it go.
Each emotion can need different releases and ways of moving through it. Anger for example might want you to go to a rage room, shout into a pillow, do some intense jumping around your bedroom to release the energy. This can often, when done correctly and safely, result in a big emotional release as often under anger is sadness.
Sadness often wants to emote by crying, letting yourself have a big cry and not judging yourself for it no matter how small the trigger. You could try watching a sad movie or listening to a song that brings up emotion to help the feeling come and pass again.
Fear maybe needs a friend to support you, encouraging words and some positive self talk.
Anxiety is an emotion that often can be cured with understanding that worrying does not change an outcome, giving yourself a hug, having a warm bath or just giving yourself positive affirmations out loud can help, “I feel anxiety in my chest, I am worrying about my meeting tomorrow, it is safe to feel this, I am enough, I am confident, this too shall pass, I deserve to feel grounded and happy in my life, I am enough!”
All emotions can be felt and dealt with safely,
BREATHE
I recommend using the Box Breathing technique, this really helps me and lots of my clients use this regularly. As well as visualizing, I like to draw a square with my finger to trace the square breathing and also watch my hand moving in which can be very soothing and help to bring you back into the moment by observing your movement, especially if closing your eyes feels scary. I also find that visualizing the emotion move out of your body on your exhales can work wonders too.
GO OUTSIDE / FOR A WALK:
Get your body moving, go get into nature and change your scenery if it is safe and accessible for you to do so. Nature is a big endorphin giver and it is very grounding to be with trees, walk barefoot on grass, look at the sky, observe the clouds, look for flowers or interesting insects or birds to give your mind a dopamine boost of natural joy!
WRITE A LETTER YOU WON’T SEND
This is a useful technique to get your emotions out if the feeling has been caused by someone else’s actions. Be as emotional as you like! Say what you feel and let yourself do this again without judgement, that person will not read the letter so its just for you to really let rip how you feel so it comes out safely.
PLAY MUSIC
Get your favorite artist on, ideally uplifting and fun songs to shift your mood. Move your body and dance and shake it all out!
Research has shown that listening to music can reduce anxiety, blood pressure, and pain as well as improve sleep quality, mood, mental alertness, and memory.
TAKE YOURSELF OUT
What is your favorite food? Can you take yourself on a solo self love date? Maybe go to the cinema or to an art gallery, can you book tickets to a show or go to a free event in your town or city that is to do with your hobbies and interests?
DO WHAT WORKS FOR YOU.
Take some time to journal what your self-care and regulation activities might be and keep them handy for when you need to be reminded.
AND THERE YOU HAVE IT
〰️
AND THERE YOU HAVE IT 〰️
Hopefully you feel more regulated and able to begin to start the process of processing your emotions more on a daily basis. Remember that NO FEELING IS FINAL.
This can be difficult to get into practice, but like all things, practice makes permanent so keep working on allowing yourself to feel, regulating when you need to so that you then show up as the best version of yourself.
Frankie x
